As the year draws to a close, I am still thinking of new projects and still trying to perfect old ones. First and foremost, as mentioned in my last article, I am endeavoring to produce a minimum of two postcards for friends and family. My aim is to have the first batch mailed out within the next couple weeks, then to have the next batch ready in time for Christmas. Having an appropriate “seasonal” image will certainly be a challenge, as Japan is the epitome of the secularization of Christian holidays. I also touched on this in my last article so I won’t repeat myself. But let’s just say that last year’s Santa Claus flying over Asakusa, Tokyo, that many of our friends received is probably about as good as it gets.

For the first time in two years, we are gearing up to watch the Grey Cup here in Japan. If you are thinking, ‘Wow! You can get that all they way in Japan?’ well, don’t. We can’t. My dad is going to a lot of trouble recording it for me and mailing me the tape. The owner of the ‘local’ has agreed to air it for us on his giant-screen TV. I guarantee that virtually every Canadian in Yamanashi will descend upon The Vault to watch this thing. Our friend Darren is probably already heartbroken, because his beloved Roughriders got stomped by the B.C. Lions last Sunday. Well, in all fairness, they didn’t get “stomped” as such. Much to their credit, they played a good game, and it came down to Saskatchewan’s kicker Paul McCallum botching an overtime field goal attempt to lose the game 27 to 25. At least some angry fans took out their frustration, much to the dismay of the CFL and the Roughriders Football Club, and dumped an entire truckload of manure on McCallum’s front lawn. The Japanese have an appropriate response to such a thing. They narrow their eyes a bit, tilt their head and say, “Tai-hen, neh.” (Tough luck, huh?)

This means, next week’s big game, played in Ottawa, will be between the B.C. Lions and the Toronto Argonauts. Sure, I wouldn’t have minded another Esks classic against Montreal, but maybe it’s better that I’m saved the stress of having to deal with another heartbreaking loss. There was nothing worse than watching every home game of the season, live from row 6 of the 25-yard line, attend my first (and only) live Grey Cup game hosted in Edmonton, only to see the Eskimos trounced by Montreal. Though they redeemed themselves the next season, clinching the Cup once again after a long hiatus, I’m still bitter about the first one. In any event, I’ve been promised by some of the die-hards that in regards to this year’s Grey Cup game, my dad “had better Fed-ex the package over” and even expressed willingness to help pay for the extra shipping. All in the mean time, we’ll be staying away from the news media (yes, even the local English daily here announces CFL results) as well as requesting family and friends to kindly refrain from calling or e-mailing anything football-related until the following week.

Football is certainly a great game, and I take every advantage to teach it to my students. I start with grade 4 elementary school kids. (Any younger than that and they can’t grip the ball properly). I teach them how to throw, catch, and kick, and they always seem to catch on quickly. I was able to buy an official Junior-NFL Flag-Football sized ball from the local Toys-R-Us, (yes, we have that here but they sell different stuff) which works well in smaller hands. Frankly, I was surprised I could even buy such a thing in Japan, but American football actually has a small, steady underground, almost cult-like following here. Once in a while, the NFL actually exports a couple teams to Tokyo to play an exhibition game, much to the delight of ex-pats nation-wide, and any local footballophiles. There is even a community/university league here, and maybe some day I’ll consider playing in it. One of my co-workers at the school board is involved in it too. I figure that what I lack in physical stature will make me an even match for many of the Japanese players. There are very few 300lb-plus linebackers stomping around these parts, thankfully. My co-worker is also not exactly your model image of a football player, though he has played it for many years. I think to buy some pads and semi-decent gear would still be cheaper than taking up golf here. The only down-side to it all, is that everything in Japan, including football, is centred around the U.S. so we end up teaching (and using) only NFL rules, equipment, etc. I do, however, get a kick (pun not intended) out of answering the common questions (from Americans and Japanese alike): “So, what’s the difference between NFL and CFL anyway?” And my response, “Our balls are bigger.” That, and we use a larger playing field (longer and wider), have larger end zones, 12 instead of 11 players on the field, and NO pansy “fair-catch” rule. Though, the receiving player gets a 5 yard buffer zone until the ball is caught before he gets creamed (unless it’s during a kickoff). Also, there’s only 20 seconds on the play clock before a penalty is called. Those are the major differences, anyway.

Enough about football, already! I could go on talking about it for a long time, but for everyone’s sanity I will refrain. If anything, I should talk about sumo – a sport that I’ve really gotten to appreciate since moving to Japan. It’s the last tournament of the season, and we’re all anxious to see if Mongolian yokozuna Asashoryu can pull off a victory that eluded him in September’s match. When I first saw sumo, I was convinced that it was, as many North Americans have aptly put it, fat men in diapers pushing each other. Since that initial assertion, however, I’ve had the great enjoyment of learning about the sport’s history, intrigues and subtleties. When I first discovered that the TV station actually broadcasts the tournament live, with English announcers, I was thrilled. That initial enthusiasm, however, rapidly waned when I realized that the only thing that made the broadcast “English” as such was the sentence structure. Certainly no attempt was made to translate the vocabulary. But now, having learned much of it, I’m glad they haven’t. You can say something using one Japanese word that would take an entire phrase to describe in English, because no equivalent term exists for it.

Just to give you an idea of what kind of nonsense an “English” sumo commentator spews, imagine something that sounds like this. Here is my impression of what a typical fight sounds like in any given tournament:

Announcer 1: Well, today we see veteran Chiyotaikai square off against newcomer Kokkai. Chiyotaikai’s definitely been a much stronger rikishi this basho, which we can only assume is because he’s been working on his tachiai.

Announcer 2: That’s right. Chiyotaikai’s prefers an oshidashi win that Kokkai may have a tough time answering. Though he may be a newcomer to Makuuchi, Kokkai sits solidly at Maegashira 2 and if he wins any of his next few matches, he is assured of a kachi-koshi.

Announcer 1: “Yes, I’m sure he’d like nothing more than to avoid kakusage when he’s on an upward streak. His last shiroboshi was three nights ago against ozeki Musoyama so both men are definitely looking for a much-needed win tonight.

Announcer 2: “Ok. here we go. Wow, look at Chiyotaikai. His lightening-fast tachiai has seemingly taken Kokkai completely off-guard and Chiyotaikai’s characteristic tsuppari attack has Kokkai backing to the edge of the dohyo.”

Announcer 1: He’s not giving this one up, though, as his hand finds a grip on Chiyotaikiai’s mawashi and what we just saw was a brave harimanage attempt by Kokkai.

Announcer 2: But it looks like it’s over with Chiyotaikai having a firm mawashi grip of his own, forces the pair out past the bales and into the front row. That was really close, but the gyoji IS pointing his gumbai toward Chiyotaikai, and there’s apparently no mono-ii from the shimpan like we have already seen several times today.

Announcer 1: That’s right. It seems that Chiyotaikai IS going to claim this one, as well as the kensho-kin offered in this torikumi.

Announcer 2: Yes, the official call is yoritaoshi, so let’s take another look at that on the replay here in a moment, while we watch Chiyotaikai accepting the traditional kachinanori.

Ok. Did you get that? Good. Because it’s quiz time. 1) Who won the match? 2) How did he win? 3) Did you understand any of what the heck was going on? No? Well, don’t feel too bad; it took me a while too. But I hardly exaggerate when I say that this is actually what it sounds like on TV when you are listening to sumo IN ENGLISH… Complete nonsensical gibberish! For a long time, I had to sit in front of the TV with a Sumo – English dictionary in my hand just to understand the silly thing… But once you get into it, it’s highly entertaining. If any of you ever come to visit us in Japan, try to come during a sumo tournament. I’d be glad to go with you and help decrypt some of the complexities. Like any sport, it’s a TON more enjoyable when you understand the basic rules, players and procedures.

I think I’ll call it quits for now, and work on my promise of posting some of those pictures that I submitted for the last photo contest. I’m just going to leave you with a brief glossary of the sumo terms used above – (in case you are REALLY curious as to what actually happened in that mock match-up I described between two REAL (and talented) sumo wrestlers). Maybe some day you will run into a bona-fide sumo aficionado and you can impress the socks off him when you ask him about his favorite rikishi and kimarite and how his tachiai has been during the last basho.

rikishi – a sumo wrestler

basho – a tournament (usually lasting 14 days). There are normally 6 major ones each year.

tachiai – a wrestler’s initial charge from the line in the sumo ring

oshidashi – one of the 82 legal winning techniques used in sumo. In this move, the wrestler pushes the other out of the sumo ring without touching his belt.

Makuuchi – the top division in sumo wrestling. Kind of like “Division 1” in pro-soccer.

Maegashira – one of the ranks in the Makuuchi division

kachi-koshi – having won at least 7 of 15 bouts during a tournament

kakusage – a demotion in rank resulting from make-koshi, or losing at least 7 of 15 bouts

shiroboshi – a win (characterized by a white star or circle next to the wrestler’s name when it appears on official result sheets – called a hoshitorihyo)

ozeki – the second highest rank in Makuuchi division. The top rank is Yokozuna.

tsuppari – a strong slapping or thrusting attack where the wrestler uses both arms in rapid, machine-gun-fire succession to push or slap his opponent’s face or body, forcing him backwards

dohyo – the sumo arena. It is a 30-ton sold clay platform, that measures 540cm x 540cm, in the middle of which is a circular ring, whose edge is demarked by low, round, rice-straw bales. All this gets really complex too, as the various parts of the dohyo each have their own specific Japanese names.

mawashi – the sumo’s belt. (Sometimes called a diaper or thong by those who aren’t knowledgeable of sumo). Consists of a horizontal portion that wraps around the wrestler’s waist, and a vertical portion that cover’s his private bits. Gripping the mawashi is only allowed on the horizontal portion. Any grip on the vertical part of the mawashi results in automatic disqualification.

harimanage – one of the possible wining techniques, often used as a last-ditch effort at the edge of the dohyo. The attacker will reach over his opponent, grab his mawashi and in a twisting motion try to launch him past himself. It’s usually a sacrifice move.

gyoji – a sumo referee. He is the guy in the ring dressed in a fancy-looking kimono and holding a gumbai.

gumbai – war paddle (sometimes called a fan). It’s handmade, wooden, and exhibits amazing craftsmanship. They are often many generations old. It is used to indicate the winner of the bout by pointing it in his direction. Prize money is handed to the winner on the gumbai as well.

shimpan – a consortium of eight officials dressed in black kimonos, positioned all around the outside of the dohyo. They watch the match and in the case of a close call, may elect to hold a meeting (this is done when an official raises his arm. It’s called: mono-ii). This results in one of three possibilities: 1) upholding the referee’s original call, 2) overturning it, 3) calling for a re-match to be held immediately.

kensho-kin – prize money put up by supporters paid after certain bouts to the winner of the match. The money is presented in ceremonial envelopes known as kachinanori.

torikumi – a single bout

yoritaoshi – a frontal push-out winning move where the winning wrestler has a grip on his opponent’s belt for the duration of the win, but the force is enough to cause both wrestlers to leave the ring with the winner landing on top of his opponent.

kimarite – the name given to the set of 82 official winning techniques used in sumo wresting.